Ninjas are Stupid and Wizards Insane
by Leilsel97
Summary: Sequel to Petunia's Anger and Potter Randomness, kinda. Vernon wakes up in Konoha Hospital. "What happened to you?" Harry asked. "Petunia," the man groaned.


Vernon was brought back from his near death state by a horrible beeping noise. "Urgh..." he moaned, trying to roll over so he could go back to sleep, which was a terrible mistake. Unbeknownst to him, there was an i.v drip attached to his right arm. In the process of rolling over, he pulled it in a very uncomfortable manner. "Ouch!"

"Doctor, he's awake!" A nurse yelled, clutching his clipboard to his chest.

"I hate you..." the fat Dursley groaned. Why did the nurse have to be so loud? Couldn't he have whispered or something?

The doctor entered, "Well, Mr. Dursley, you are very lucky to be alive," she told him.

"You sure about that? This feels like hell," Vernon Dursley grumbled.

"Absolutely certain! I haven't seen anything like it in my whole career," the doctor gushed, "you had five cracked ribs, a broken nose, black eyes, bruising on ninety eight point six, two, nine, one percent of your body, and," she fought to contain a giggle, "a boot stuck in your rectum. It's a miracle you survived! This was such a great learning opportunity, sir. You don't understand. I got to practice healing three different types of injuries, no four! I forgot to mention the internal bleeding!"

Vernon stared at the woman incredulously. How could a doctor sound so cheerful about something like this? "Are you sure you're in the right profession? You might be better suited as a" a sharp look from the doctor told him that 'chef' was not an appropriate answer, "...coroner," the injured man finished weakly before glaring at the nurse who was laughing silently in the background. Were all medical staff such misery lovers?

"Where am I anyway?" the pudgy man asked, wondering what kind of hospital hired crazy doctors and sadistic nurses.

"You're in Konoha Hospital," the doctor informed him cheerfully, smiling so hard that her blue eyes scrunched up a bit.

"You might have amnesia, too," the nurse said thoughtfully. "Were you hit on the head?"

"I think so..." Vernon shuddered, not wanting to recall how he'd received his injuries.

"Maybe he got neutered and the experience was too traumatic for him to remember anything," the nurse suggested, tapping a pen against his lip.

"W-what! Hell no! Are you bloody mad? I would remember that!" Vernon shouted.

"Now, Sai-kun, too much stress isn't good for the patient," the doctor scolded Sai, the nurse, gently.

"Sorry, Ino-san. Are you sure you were born that small?" He asked.

"WHAT!" the pudgy Brit turned quite red before almost passing out from too much emotional strain after waking up from a six day coma.

"Sai!"

"Sorry, doctor-san," Nurse Sai apologized.

Ino looked over to their patient again, sighing, "come on, we'll give the poor man some rest. He's too far gone to tease now," she said, walking out of the room. Sai followed, wondering why men seemed to be so self conscious of the sizes of their 'packages'.

When Vernon next woke up, the nurse from before was holding a phone, "you have a call, sir."

"Who's it from?"

"Someone named 'Petunia', what an odd name, she sounds ugly," Sai shrugged, not bothering to cover the mouthpiece of the phone. Curses were audible from the device in Petunia's high pitched, nasally, screech.

"Tell her I'm dead," Mr. Dursley instructed, nodding sagely.

"Good idea, I wouldn't want to have to listen to this old hag whine either," Sai agreed innocently, inciting more rage from the person on the other side of the call. Vernon paled a bit, "he's dead," Sai monotoned very seriously before hanging up, ignoring the pudgy invalid's fearful facial expression.

Petunia was livid. She was so enraged that every inch of her (even her teeth) had turned red (okay, so maybe a bottle of red dye had accidentally made its way into her tea). "VERNON!" she hollered at the top of her lungs, which must have been strained. The scrawny woman shivered with rage at her husband's behavior and the rude person who had answered the phone. Petunia bet everything she owned that she looked a thousand times better than whatever idiot had answered the phone and told her her husband was dead (good thing she didn't really make that bet...). "Ugh! I can't stand that man sometimes!" she shouted before beginning to cry. So what if she beat him half to death? He should still come home, or at least tell her what hospital he was in so she could visit, not fake his death.

Dudley jumped at his mother's screams. Huddling in fear under his bed, the youngest Dursley proceeded to wet himself-again. The stench under his bed was terrible, but he was just too scared to dare crawling from his hiding place for fear of a beating from Petunia.

Harry listened to the commotion from within his broom closet, glad that in her distress, his aunt had completely forgotten his existence. "Hoo," Hedwig shuffled in her cage.

"I know it's boring in here. Why don't we go visit Ron? We can make a quick broom trip to the burrow." Hedwig hooted in agreement. Harry packed a backpack full of necessities and charmed Hedwig's cage so that it would sit on the end of his broom. Stealthily, Potter slipped away unnoticed by the remaining Dursleys. Once in flight, Harry breathed a sigh of relaxation, "isn't this grand, Hedwig? We're free to go!" Hedwig made a sound that was close enough to ascent for Harry to nod as he squinted his eyes against the wind.

Unfortunately for his plans, Harry was blown off course. "Ahh!" Harry screamed as he tumbled through the air and nearly crashed into a tree. Floating mid-air, Harry wondered where he was. This place sure had a lot of trees.

Naruto was standing upside down on a tree branch while attempting to split leaves with his chakra when he saw the oddest thing: a boy wearing weird robes on a broom with a snowy owl in the cage resting behind him. "Oi!" the blond shinobi called out to the strange boy, "who are you?"

"You don't know me?" Harry asked, confused. Most wizards knew The-Boy-Who-Lived.

"Sure. I know you and I just asked you who you were like an idiot because I've never seen you before in my life!" Naruto rolled his eyes, dropping to the ground and landing in a crouch.

"You sure are a strange wizard," Harry mused, finding himself amused with the crazy blond.

"I'm not a wizard, what are you talking about?" Naruto scratched his head.

"But you were standing upside down on a tree branch."

"Yeah, 'cause I'm a ninja," the blond replied, stabbing a thumb at himself.

"A ninja," Harry parroted him dubiously.

"Yes. A ninja. What kind of ninja are you? You're riding on a broom. How much chakra control does it take? Aren't you tired? You gotta have huge reserves for that!"

"I'm not a ninja. I am a wizard," Harry said as if speaking to a slow child.

"Geez, fine. You're a wizard. I suppose you're all magical and crap," Naruto rolled his eyes again, speaking purely out of sarcasm.

"Yes, yes I am."

"Weirdo," the shinobi muttered before walking away. Harry followed him.

"Why are you stalking me?"

"I'm not stalking you. I'm following you; you obviously know your way around here better than I do," Harry huffed, sounding a little indignant.

"Right. So, who are you?" Naruto continued walking.

"Harry Potter."

The shinobi snickered, "your name is weird."

"Your name is stupid," Harry retorted.

"No, you are. You don't even know my name," Naruto laughed.

"Fine," the wizard sighed, "what's your name, ninja?"

"Uzumaki Naruto."

"Uzumaki isn't any better than Harry. Who names their kid Uzumaki anyway?" Harry scoffed.

"That's my surname, baka. I'm guessing it was your mom's bright idea to name her kid hairy?" Naruto snorted.

"My mum's dead, you dolt," the wizard sniffed, sounding a little miffed.

"So's mine. Your point is?"

"Well my dad's dead, too!"

"Mine, too. You're not going to win this one, Hairy," Naruto told him.

"Oh yeah? Well my aunt and uncle are terrible people, so there!" Harry glared at the blond ninja, crossing his arms childishly.

"And I have no living family. My only living relative killed a bunch of people in my village and razed the whole place to the ground with one jutsu. He died using the last of his chakra in a technique that brought most of his victims back to life. Well all of them except my godfather."

"You're serious," Harry looked at the blond.

"Yes. Why would I lie about something like that?"

"Nevermind. Where are we headed?" Potter finally asked an intelligent question.

"To Konoha Hospital," the blond replied, turning at what seemed like random intervals to Harry.

"Why?"

"To visit my friend. She works there."

When they reached the hospital, they were greeted by a teenage girl with pink hair and green eyes, "Naruto-kun!" she called, waving. "Naruto-kun, who's your friend?" she asked when they got closer.

"This guy? He's a wizard. His name is Harry Potter."

"What?" she blinked.

"I know, Sakura-chan. I think he's a bit loony. Maybe Tsunade-baa-chan can check his head."

"Hey!" the 'crazy' wizard glared at the two ninja.

"Or we could ask Ino-chan," Sakura suggested, ignoring Harry's offended outburst.

"Ooh, yeah! She could totally tell us what's going on with this guy!" Naruto grinned, before grabbing Harry by the wrist and dragging him off to Ino's location.

"How do you even know where she is?" Harry asked, holding onto his broomstick. Hedwig stirred restlessly and hooted.

"I can feel her chakra signature."

Harry raised an eyebrow at that. "Okay then."

"Ino-chan!" Naruto yelled, bursting into a random hospital room. "Ouch!" He cried as a clipboard smacked him in the face. "Why Ino-chan? WHYYYYYY?"

"Shut UP! This is a hospital!" The blonde medic nin growled, stomping on Naruto, who groaned in pain. "Oh hello! Who are you? Are you here to visit the patient?" Ino smiled at Harry.

"The patient?" Harry repeated stupidly.

"Yes, Dursley-san, he's from Britain. Wherever that is."

"That's my uncle!" Harry exclaimed rushing in to see what his uncle was doing at the hospital in this weird place.

"Hey! Don't be rude!" Ino complained.

"Don't worry about it, Ino-chan, I think he might be mentally ill," Naruto consoled her, dusting off his clothes.

"Hey!" Harry protested indignantly, "I am not mental! Look who's talking, you're wearing orange pants!"

"He thinks he's a wizard," Naruto whispered to Ino. "I brought him to you so you could check him out. He could be dangerous, you never know with crazy people." Ino sweat dropped. Naruto needed to learn how to whisper properly.

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here!" Harry yelled.

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" A very red faced Vernon screamed. He huffed for a minute before catching his breath, then massaging his temples he spoke in a soft voice, "I have a killer migraine and you guys don't seem to know the meaning of silence."

"Sorry, Dursley-san," Ino bowed, "we were just leaving."

"Hey, what about-" Naruto started when Ino yanked him out of the room.

"Shhhh!" She hissed, "if he's crazy then just let him talk to his uncle until we figure out what to do! If he's crazy like you say, we can't upset him. Do you want him going on a rampage or something in the hospital?"

"Hoo!" The blond ninjas' heads snapped towards the sound that had startled them. On the ground, Hedwig sat in her cage, attached to Harry's forgotten broomstick, hooting irritably.

"Ooh, what a pretty owl," Ino cooed, opening Hedwig's cage. The snowy owl walked out her cage and fluttered up to land on Ino's shoulder. "What's your name, pretty? Hm? You're so cute!" Hedwig made appreciative owl sounds and Naruto rubbed his chin in thought.

"Oh right!" Ino snapped back to attention, "you have to go tell Tsunade-sama there's a lunatic in the hospital, okay?"

"Ossu!" Naruto saluted her before darting off.

Inside the hospital room Harry looked at his uncle. "So... what happened to you?"

"Petunia," the man groaned.

Meanwhile, two anbu slipped into the room unnoticed. A dart hit Harry in the neck, "what the...?" Harry said, reaching for his neck. He passed out on the floor. The anbu grabbed him and swiftly disappeared.

"I really need to stop going on those crazy melon diets and taking diet pills," Vernon said to himself, "I swear, these hallucinations just keep getting crazier and crazier.'


End file.
